Unspoken Needs – The Enemy of Intimacy
Are intimate relationships really possible? (Spoiler Alert – Yes!) But first, we need to learn to communicate our needs with our partner
Unfortunately, it is far too common for us to hold a fairytale view of what an intimate relationship should be like.
Our society supports the idea that there is one soul mate out there for us who will intuitively fulfill our every need and fantasy, a person who loves what we love, does what we do, and will spend every waking hour tending to our needs and desires.
Reality, of course, is very different from fantasy.
After spending a few weeks with someone, you may begin to see all of their minor flaws that irritate you, from the way they squeeze the toothpaste, to the way they put the toilet paper roll on the holder (if they even put it on the holder). Your needs get confused with the irritant. You argue about the proverbial toilet lid, when in reality, you feel the action or inaction is a sign of disrespect. Your partner perceives you as “nagging” when you’re just trying to communicate that your need for respect is not being fulfilled.
So why don’t my needs get fulfilled?
The answer of course varies for each of us, but today information and distraction are coming at us at a faster rate than ever before.
We are so busy as parents, spouses, employees, business owners, and now, have added stress of entertaining the kids, homeschooling, working remote, and adapting to a completely new paradigm of normal. The fact is, many of us don’t focus on our needs!
We may even intentionally distract ourselves from them, because we’ve built barriers or false narratives around the idea that we aren’t good enough, are undeserving, or should focus on the needs of others before our own. When we are afraid to look beneath the surface to see what our needs are, we prevent ourselves from taking action to ensure they are met.
When our needs are unseen, our needs remain unspoken!!
And when our needs have been subject to some sort of trauma, our subconscious minds try to protect us by burying them deeper and deeper until we no longer even recognize what triggers our negative responses. Instead, we engage in a pattern of stress responses that eventually become indistinguishable from our individual personalities. This happens much earlier in life than expected.
For a moment I’d like you to rethink what trauma may look like.
As adults, we perceive relationship trauma in terms of what we remember and understand. We think of things like physical or emotional abuse, cheating, violations of trust, disrespect, loss of a child or loved one, etc. We believe these types of trauma have the strongest negative impact on how we mentally approach relationships, consciously and unconsciously.
The trauma that actually affects us, especially at the subconscious level, is usually much more subtle and seeded much earlier in life than we imagine.
Just like we have unspoken needs with our partners, our minds have unspoken needs for us.
And these needs start very early in life, from age zero to seven, when our brains are still fragile, forming, and not quite able to logically process information fully and completely.
So really, the trauma we experience from having our pacifier taken away from us before we were ready or being shushed for interrupting an adult conversation could have an equal or even greater impact on us than things we consider traumatic as adults.
So Dr. Cindy, this is all great information, but I want answers! How do I fulfill my needs?!
- Gain personal clarity. Tony Robbins refers to the Certainty, Uncertainty, Significance, Love and Connection, Growth and Contribution as our basic human needs. I don’t have space in this article to discuss all of these in detail, but when growth and contribution (our higher needs) are overshadowed by us focusing on the other human needs, we tend to stagnate in life, business, and our relationships. In my practice, I see this quite often. One client couldn’t identify that she was so focused on significance she couldn’t reach her higher purpose of contribution. She needs to be recognized for her contributions to the family, and when she fails to receive affirmations, she is less able to contribute. The cycle continued until she burned out energetically, physically, and emotionally. And in truth, she never even realized significance was important to her, because she didn’t take time to focus inward and explore her needs.
- Communicate your needs! Once you have clarity, make sure your family, partner, or loved one understands what you need. This will help them understand how to better communicate, participate, and dedicate themselves to nurturing the relationship.
- Be open to receive when someone tries to fulfill your needs. Sometimes this is the hardest part for my clients to overcome. They are so consumed with helping everyone around them, that they don’t open themselves up to the love, admiration, and respect those in their lives are offering.
- Learn the needs of others. We tend to give according to our needs instead of giving what those around us actually need. It’s human nature for our brains to perceive our needs as universal. The reality is that if we better understand and meet the needs of the other person in the relationship, we deepen the authenticity of that relationship.
- Some relationships just won’t work. I recently worked with a client who keeps going back to the same toxic relationship expecting a different outcome. At an early age, he witnessed a person drowning, ran inside to let people know, but was too young for them to understand his communication. He now tries to “save” his girlfriend who repeatedly drinks, does drugs, lies, and cheats. Though he knows the relationship is unhealthy, he keeps going back. We worked through this trauma to ease his subconscious mind, and now he is consciously able to move on from this relationship.
But Dr. Cindy, I’ve tried all of this and nothing worked, what now?
Maybe there’s something going on with your body or your hormones that cause you to feel unhappy, fatigued, irritable, or unreceptive to your partner.
My clients who use Maraya Brown’s program love it. She helps you become more comfortable in your own skin, more confident with your body, more energized, and as a result you become more turned on by yourself, your life, and your partner.
Another place people don’t know to look is in the recesses of their minds, the subconscious mind where automatic response patterns reside. At rREST, we are rethinking mental wellness and training coaches who are experts at changing these response patterns.
If you recognize what’s going on in your relationship as a pattern, but remain resistant to change, then your subconscious mind needs to adapt.
We help you navigate the patterns in your relationships, no matter how deeply they may be buried, so you can break them up and move forward in your life with purpose and clarity.
And we do this in a gentle yet effective way, with results that are rapid and permanent.
Friends, amazing and deeply intimate relationships ARE possible.
Like anything else in life worth having, they can take a lot of work to create and nurture. And the result is worth every ounce of effort.
*****rREST™ is the fastest and most effective tool available to break through the blocks that are currently holding you back from creating the long-lasting success you desire. It can quickly and permanently eliminate subclinical stress response patterns that were generated very early in your life and were reinforced by adversity throughout your lifetime.
rREST™ was co-founded by Dr. Cynthia Sholes and Dr. Mitra Ray to revolutionize mental wellness.
Dr. Cynthia Sholes lovingly nurtures others to overcome stress triggers and negative emotional response patterns. She created rREST as a way to deal with her own perceived failures as a mother and business owner. She discovered that traditional methods of dealing with stress do not address the root cause of the issue, then leveraged her education in neuroscience to innovate a simple, gentle, and permanent solution. Recognizing that other women share similar challenges, she committed to educating and training coaches to implement this revolutionary technique.
With a PhD from UCSF, Dr. Cindy Sholes has been at the forefront of Neuroscience and Medical Hypnotherapy for nearly 20 years. During this time she has uncovered hidden secrets to short-circuit the subconscious mind, allowing people to move beyond their past and live with greater freedom and emotional clarity. In her efforts to transform mental wellness, she created rREST, and is actively sharing this knowledge with the world. She joined forces with her lifelong friend Dr. Mitra Ray to make rREST globally accessible and empower women to have it all.
Dr. Mitra Ray is a Social Impact Entrepreneur, CEO, Mom, and Wife who has built multi-million dollar companies. She attributes much of her success to the coaching provided by Dr. Cynthia Sholes. Together they Co-Founded rREST with a mission to revolutionize mental wellness through innovative neuro-emotional techniques and plant-based nutrition. She teaches how the Gut-Brain Connection is vitally important to experiencing a life of clarity.
With over 30 years of experience, she has helped people achieve remarkable success in thinking and feeling better. Dr. Ray received her Bachelors of Science at Cornell University and her PhD from Stanford Medical School. She is the recipient of many NIH grants and the Young Investigator Award from the Federation of American Societies in Experimental Biology. Her research has been published in such prestigious journals as Science, Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, and the Journal of Cell Biology. Audiences in 4 continents have enjoyed her award winning books, audios and lectures on health, beauty, brain function and longevity.